Warning. Vague pensive thoughts ahead.
Today I have had cause to think a lot about my future and the things that I allow to come into my life and potentially affect that future. Somewhere along the line I decided on a way I wanted my future to be and I have successfully deflected every little thing that has threatened to alter that future in any way, shape, or form. I thought this was mature. I thought this was wise. Know yourself, know your plans, and be very goal oriented. Make the most of your future - in short - DON'T SCREW UP THE PLAN.
But today I had a slightly jarring realization... could it possibly be that I have been so committed to "the plan" that I was too afraid to let certain good things come into my life, simply because they threatened the future of the plan? WHAT IF life doesn't work like that. Well, I know it doesn't actually. We have to be open to the good things God brings into our lives. Sometimes that requires chance. Always it requires faith and trust.
I have always considered myself an optimist, but when it comes to matters of the heart... and the central features of "the plan" I find myself being decidedly pessimistic. I take this new curveball thrown into the mix and start to pick it apart piece by piece. I lay out the good, I lay out the not so good, and I weigh the parts against each other. I think I'm realizing, though, that I put way too much weight on the not so good. When one or two details seem to threaten the plan in a negative way, I begin the downward spiral. I become a pessimist concerning the situation and it's eventual acceptance into my life is most likely doomed. Is this how God has called me to live?
I struggle to understand the balance between fear and wisdom. When I am evaluating a situation, how much of my evaluation is healthy wisdom - discerning that something might be a good or poor fit for me. The scarier question - how much of my evaluation is simply fear - fear of the unknown, fear of lifestyle change, fear of having to exert any effort to make the plan workable. At which point is the line crossed? How am I ever supposed to know?!
I am afraid. I am afraid that I am letting good things pass me by. I am afraid that in my efforts to secure for myself the ideal future, I am forfeiting amazing things in the process... possibly things God has brought into my life. Things that I am looking at, and saying "God, thanks for the effort, but I'm going to have to turn this blessing down. It's just
not in the plan. Try again later, maybe next time you'll be a little more on target." OH how I pray this is not what I'm doing!! Lord - forgive me if I am. But the Bible clearly tells me to fear not - to worry about nothing. And I can honestly say I have and am doing the very best I know how. I just pray that God will continue to refine my discernment!
The Bible says that if any man lacks wisdom, he should ask for it. Well, I am asking for it. And by the truckload if that's alright with you God. Lord, help me to embrace your blessings with open arms. Help me to see the positive more than the negative, and not be afraid of a challenge in life.... a kink in the plan. But at the same time, help me understand when my concerns are valid and should be heeded.
It's just been one of those days. But the funny thing was - this was an AMAZING day. But sometimes it is in the midst of amazingness we start to reevaluate things. Maybe it's time for a big reevaluation.
